Anxiety and Anger

I suffer from anxiety.

"Well, Renee, you might want to cut down on your caffeine intake." One might say.

I have cut down on the java juice.

I didn't realize how bad this was until recently. One of my favorite Bible passages is "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication (to ask humbly and earnestly of) with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." - Philippians 4:6. Well, that's always been easy for me. Financial problems, not anxious. Divorce, not anxious, a new job, not anxious. A flight across the world, okay, a little anxiety on the plane, but nothing too bad. So I just let stuff fly off without being anxious.

Except this one thing.

I can't help it, and I don't mean it. It's a physiological response that overcomes my being. I'm gripped with fear and panic. I can't talk. Sometimes I can't move. When I do mustle up enough courage to speak in this situation, it comes out like I'm being rude, or at least it's being perceived as being rude. My first response is to flee. Leave. Walk away.

I know why this happens to me. It's because of my past. No, I'm not about to incriminate myself here, but those who are close to me know me and know why I endure these uncontrollable panic attacks. Last night in prayer, God and I talked about it, and we're going to work on it. We've worked on a lot these last few years, and we still have some more work to do.

Anger is hurt. Pain. Somewhere, somehow, in this crazy little thing called life, I learned that instead of crying, get mad. I lived for years believing I was under constant attack, and my first instinct was always to attack back. So, inasmuch as I believe I recently endured a spiritual attack, I'm proud of myself. Not once was my voice raised, no one was threatened and no one went through a wall. I remained politically correct, some emotions escaped, but that was it.

I don't suggest pushing me and I'll continue to pray for those who felt the need to insert themselves into my little crisis for their own personal agendas.

It's funny though. I cry. That was something I didn't do for a long time, and I'm truly thankful for it.